If you were looking forward to funnymen hosts, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, cracking some Tiger jokes, too bad — there won’t be any. According to the NY Post, a well-placed source said the Academy Award producers deleted the lines because they were “too rude.”

So instead, Martin and Baldwin are making cracks about, you know, the nominees — like how Matt Damon is secretly married to Jennifer Garner and how George Clooney is mad at everyone.

Who does everyone have for Best Picture? I just hope Avatar doesn’t win. Great movie, but overrated. I’ll take Inglorious Basterds or The Hurt Locker.

Ireland’s largest bookmaker, Paddy Power, is determined to sponsor Tiger Woods, who has lost three major endorsers — Accenture, AT&T and most recently, Gatorade — since the whole sex scandal mess broke out.

The company offered the golfer $75 million over five years to presumably parade its logo on some available real estate (like his bag) or plaster his face on billboards promoting online betting. But a Paddy Power spokesperson said the company “remains keen to work with Tiger Woods, and will re-engage with [IMG].”

Um, call me crazy, but endorsing a gambling service doesn’t seem like it’d be the logical move for a guy who is already allegedly recovering from addictions to sex, strippers and Ambien. But clearly, increasing the bid is a way to win him over. Despite the company’s denial, this so-called business proposition sure smells like something called a publicity stunt.

Come on, Paddy Power should know it would have better luck courting this golfer instead.

Meanwhile, for anyone who bet on Tiger returning to golf at next week’s WGC-CA Championship, no luck — the commitment deadline passed on Friday at 5pm EST without Tiger announcing his entry.

Be warned: NSFW. And, please, if you choose to watch it, make sure you have a sense of humor. As a friend pointed out, this animated Tiger Woods sounds like Gilbert Gottfied. So if that’s not your kind of thing, then move along.

Welcome to Balls in the Air, where I size up my Fantasy Golf picks of the week, featuring guys to watch (or not) and interesting story lines. Disclaimer: Don’t yell at me if my picks suck.

I swear I’m going to get better at posting this on a weekly (and more timely) basis, but mostly it’s because I haven’t come up with lyrics for a “Balls in the Air” theme song. Submissions are welcome.

Group A

Anthony Kim: Aside from the third round 76 at the Phoenix Open, Mr. Shiny Belt Buckle had a great tournament. No word whether he was hitting it hard at the Bird’s Nest on Friday night. Oh, and this is good — he’s paired with Robert Allenby the first two rounds. Fight, fight, fight!

Group A Bencher

Ernie Els: The options were slim, so it was either the Big Easy or someone like Steve Marino. Ernie is off to a quick start with two top-10 finishes at the Farmers Insurance Open and Northern Trust Open. Even though his three-year campaign to challenge Tiger Woods as the world’s number one has expired, maybe it comes with a one-year extension plan.

Group B

Rory McIlroy: Gotta love this kid. More important, he wouldn’t have laid up from 231 yards on a par 5 when he was in contention. At least I hope not.

Camilo Villegas: The flashy Colombian has been playing very well. In two starts, he finished third at the Match Play Championship and T8 at last week’s Phoenix Open, including a 9-under 62 in the first round. After complaining last year about the oh-so-grueling year-long golf schedule, he talked about his overall improvement in attitude and appreciation for the opportunity to play. They grow up so quickly!

Group B Benchers

Y.E. Yang: The defending champ is always a safe pick. He also played well last week despite a mental error, where he dunked it in the water, on the 17th hole last Sunday. But last night on Twitter, he mentioned having back pain. Not a good sign and something went wrong today — he shot (gulp) 79.

J.B. Holmes: I have a soft spot for the slow-moving long hitter after speaking with him last week at the Phoenix Open. Really nice guy. He’s also started the year hot with a runner-up finish at the A&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am and third at the Northern Trust Open.

Group C

Paul Casey: In two starts, he finished runner-up at the Match Play Championship after losing to Ian Poulter in the finals, and T10 at the SBS Championship. Another safe pick. (Honestly, I’m ashamed how boring I’m getting.)

Group C Bencher

Rickie Fowler: I’m still kinda appalled with his gutless play coming down the stretch. John Hawkins summed it up very well, “Hey dude, did it ever cross your mind that you could make an eagle? You’re Rickie Freakin’ Fowler, the New Kid in Town, the second coming of Lanny…You believe, Rickie, because that’s what champions do. Better safe than sorry? Sometimes, they mean the same thing.” Lucky for him he’ll have another chance sooner than later — can’t discredit him for being able to play. As he heads into the Florida swing, it’ll be interesting to see how he does when not on familiar territory.

Alright, leaderboard check! The soft-spoken Australian, Nathan Green, leads with an early 5-under. Some guys called Alexandre Rocha and Michael Connell are tied for second along with Oliver Wilson and Villegas. Watching the telecast, looks like tough conditions with the wind blowing hard.

Someone else to keep an eye on is rookie Alex Prugh. He’s placed in the top-ten three times and made five cuts in five starts. After a few off-weeks, he’s in the clubhouse with a 68 and T10.

I realize I sound like a broken record this week with some of my picks — you know, so-and-so is playing well, which was annoying because it seemed like I have nothing more interesting to say. But if you’ve discovered a formula that doesn’t involve looking at the players’ current season results and their past performance at that tournament or simply going with your gut, then please share. Maybe next week I’ll get a little crazy and point my finger at the screen with my eyes closed and see which name it lands on.

At least Villegas is making me look smart.

Now that Tiger Woods is finished with his reported rehab stint at a facility outside of Scottsdale, Arizona, everyone is wondering when he’s returning to competition. He’s been spotted tuning up his game on the range at Isleworth Country Club. Charles Howell III ran into him on Tuesday and J.B. Holmes did, too, on Wednesday — both reported his game was looking sharp.

Asked when he surmises Tiger to come back, Jack Nicklaus, who played in the Honda Classic Pro-Am, bets on a tune-up event before The Masters:

It would surprise me if he didn’t [play]. Oh yeah, I can’t imagine in a hundred years he is going to miss Augusta. I’ve been very non-committal about everything because it’s none of my business. My guess is as a golfer he’s going to want to try and play Augusta if he has his other things in order. I suspect he will play something before Augusta, and I’d be very surprised if he doesn’t play before Augusta.

Which makes everyone look toward the week of March 22 for the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill, which Tiger won last year and five other times. Oh, let’s not forget there’s the Tavistock Cup, too.

Tiger Woods’ caddie, Steve Williams, has been known to behave more like a defensive bodyguard than simply a looper at times. So you’d think he would have had an idea about Tiger’s extracurricular activities and also been adamant about keeping his buddy’s secret. But curiously enough, in an interview with New Zealand’s version of 60 Minutes, he said he would have outed Tiger had he known. What’s more, Stevie is angry with him:

“I knew nothing, that’s my answer. I don’t have to clarify or extend that answer. I knew nothing. It would be very difficult as a caddie not to know but I’m 100 per cent telling you, I did not know, and that’s that. I’m a straight-up sort of person. No one that has ever watched him on a golf course would suspect anything would be going on. I’m under siege, it’s been a difficult time, there’s no two ways about it.

If I had known something was going on, the whistle would have been blown. Of course I’m mad at him, why would you not be? I’m close with his wife and he’s got two lovely children and he’s let them down.”

Tiger sure has put Stevie in a tough spot, but honestly, Stevie would have intervened with Tiger’s affairs? Now as honorable as that is, given he’s probably the richest caddie in the world — thanks to Tiger — you would think he’s paid enough to keep his mouth shut, too. Even minus the work relationship, as a friend and confidante, I hope Stevie meant he would have just pulled Tiger aside to voice his disapproval, and not “blown the whistle” in the literal sense.

I can’t imagine Tiger was too happy with these comments. But hopefully he appreciates the candor. Rick Reilly will be even more unbearable if Tiger actually follows his edict to fire Stevie.

If only TigerText had been created before Tiger Woods sent the telling text messages to Jaimee Grubbs, Rachel Uchitel and whomever else he was allegedly boinking.

Good news for all who have regretted pressing the “send” button at least once or twice. This new iPhone app allows users to set a lifespan for text messages — when the time has expired, like two hours after being sent, the messages are instantly deleted from both phones and the TigerText server. And you can program the messages to automatically self-destruct 60 seconds after they’ve been read (neat!).

Test runs are free. The first 100 text messages are complimentary and then only $1.49 per 250 messages per month and $2.49 for unlimited use. Just make sure the receiver downloads the app, too. And if you’re a Blackberry or Droid user, don’t fret — TigerText will be available to you soon.

According to one report, the app name is pure coincidence (was in place before the whole Tiger Woods sex scandal) and aimed at people who value privacy. Oh, so many levels of irony! Now someone just needs to invent an app that performs the same function with voicemails.

In what the Golf Channel’s Brandel Chamblee called “the most shocking play I have seen in 2010,” Rickie Fowler decided to lay up on the par-5, 15th hole at TPC Scottsdale last Sunday. At that point, he was one stroke behind Hunter Mahan, the eventual champion. With 231 yards out, Fowler would have needed to hit about a 3 iron from the fairway and carry it 210 yards over the water. His two playing partners went for the green and they were further out than him. So, why on earth would the fearless 21-year-old Boy That Will Save the PGA Tour wearing neon orange pants take the safe approach?

I kind of told myself that I didn’t really want to go for it unless I had about a 5-iron in, which I would feel more comfortable hitting it to that pin with the pin being in the front. It’s not very wide. The miss right and the miss left, obviously there’s water, but missing the green right or left, the up-and-down wasn’t very easy. So I felt giving myself that wedge from the middle of the fairway was my best chance at making an easy birdie.

Now I hope he wasn’t thinking about actually hitting it in the water. And I really hope he wasn’t thinking about the difference between a second place paycheck and perhaps a third or fourth, as the Golf Channel commentators suggested. I’ll give him that it would have been a tough chip, but conditions were soft — he could have controlled it. Look at his approach on the 17th, where he had a tough pitch into the green and took a gutsy shot.

It’s hard to argue with Fowler’s explanation, but it seemed out of character for him to make the safe play. When Tim Clark laid up a few weeks ago at the Bob Hope, at least he stuck by his game plan. But Fowler? He’s the daredevil who used to perform all sorts of crazy tricks on a dirt bike.

Fowler is sticking to his guns about the decision. He’s even getting a little (gulp) defensive on Twitter (start from bottom):

If he had dunked it in the water, that would have been a straight-up choke. So I guess if he was even thinking that was an option, it’s a good thing he played it safe. His best club is a wedge and like he told the Golf Channel afterward, he wishes he could re-hit his approach shot, which spun a few feet off the green. No, it doesn’t make him a moron that he felt more comfortable hitting a little wedge from his best distance.

But would Tiger or Phil have laid up? They would have scoffed at the very thought.

I’m regretting my decision to take the redeye back to NYC. Too late, dummy! I only wish I could have seen more players and golf, less media room and especially hotel room. Some quick thoughts before I nap — now I know the Phoenix “Wasted” Open is notorious for being the tournament stop where all sorts of characters who could care less about this sport called golf other than an excuse to gather and drink (lots of) beers on a grassy pasture. Yeah, that’s pretty much it, but I gotta give the crowds credit, it’s pretty awesome. I was like a really, really sober person at a frat party, but that almost made it more interesting. I also have to credit how organized the tournament seemed despite the crowds, drunks, shenanigans, etc.

On Saturday, it was guesstimated a scarce 121,221, down from 160-something-thousand last year. But even if this number was made up from thin air (because, surely their counters are error-proof), that’s impressive for a tailgate golf event.

Here’s an interesting analytics aside: The search “Rickie Fowler girlfriend” returned the most hits to my blog yesterday. As a matter of fact, it’s the most-searched term of the month! I guess Rickie’s relationship status is very topical for at least 640 doting fans (wonder how this breaks down by a/s/l).

Anthony Kim who was T3 going into Saturday fired a 76. Hope he wasn’t out drinking until 4AM. Kidding! AK? No way.

We’ve got a great leaderboard filled with young names for the final round. Let’s see, Brandt Snedeker leads by one stroke over Scott Piercy. Rickie Fowler is T3, two shots back. If he wins, he would become the youngest player to win on Tour since Tiger in ‘96. (Hype, hype, hype!) His outfit sure was…err…blue. But to his credit, he was forced to wear it (he had a “script” this week /shiver). Camilo Villegas sits at T5. In related news, Mark Calcavecchia, who is T6, weighs more than his playing partners, 2.0 and Spidey, combined.

Just checked — it’s raining and high of 64 degrees in Scottsdale. Perhaps I did the right thing by leaving after all.

Alright, discuss the tournament, the over/under on Calc’s weight, the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen on the course, or something like that.

Standing on the tee at the infamous 16th hole, you really feel like you’re at a stadium, and it is nothing like I’d ever experienced.

All things considered, Wednesday was a pretty productive day at the course. I walked four holes with Ryan Moore, who was playing with comedian George Lopez, actor Andy Garcia, former baseball superstar Mark Grace and some powerful business dude (according to Google, CEO of Viacom Outdoor) Wally Kelly.

The plan from the start was to find Ryan and I saw on the pairing sheet who he was paired with, but it took a while to register. I had begun walking out, but then I kept going back and forth between finding the few friends he has on Tour. An hour later, suddenly it dawned on me. You moron! Did you not see who Ryan was playing with? /punching-self-in-face

I caught him on the 15th hole — just in time for the 16th. Phew. Right away, Lopez caught my attention as he was serenading fans and signing autographs. I’m told on the first tee that he gave a few speeches, including one that mocked Tiger’s apology. He never used any names, but he made it pretty clear. Boy, wish I would have caught that. Seriously, I don’t know how Lopez is so obliging to fans. He stands on every hole and signs autographs, jokes with the fans — he’s an entertainer, but hell, I’d be exhausted after two holes. After he hit the green on the 16th, he instructed his caddy, Mike, to break out the Mexican wrestling masks (see pic above — he’s obsessed with Mexican WWE and had those made). Lopez did his par-save dance, then he tackled Mike on the green.

Lots of funny tidbits in just four holes, but I can’t share them all — because, well, I don’t have time. Here now, Lopez is pitching a golf ball to Mark who belted it to short of left-center green.

Gracie sure has a ton of fans in Arizona for obvious reasons (he was the first baseman when the Diamondbacks won the World Series in ‘01 and is now a broadcaster for the team). On the 18th, a lady fan was following him down the side of the fairway, yelling, “Mark, Mark!” Finally in a bout of desperation, she screeched, “Don’t make me stalk you, Mark! Because I will.” Long story short: She got his autograph.

Now, I’ll say, the most annoying question to ask players is about what their opinion on other players, especially if they don’t know them very well. It’s one thing if they’re BFF, but it’s totally different when they aren’t and you want them to say something, you know, interesting and quotable. J.B. seems like one of the nicest guys out there. I could tell he did his best to say something thoughtful and give me what I needed. I will never make fun of him taking eight minutes to hit a shot. Okay, I can’t promise that, but he’s a good dude. As for Charley, he doesn’t sound like what you’d imagine — which, to me, was a surfer dude (I don’t know, something about the long, wavy blond hair).

Meanwhile, the five other dudes I stopped in the practice area weren’t as helpful. They tried, I guess.

During my stalking session, I saw Anthony Kim hitting range balls and chipping with one arm as he talked on the phone for the past half hour. New practice drill! It sounded like he was arguing with someone, like a girlfriend, but I might be making that up in my head.

Now for the favorite part of my day. I hate to report I have to refrain from calling Phil Mickelson any names for at least the next two days. During his press conference, I asked him about Moore. I prefaced it with something like, “Sorry, I know this is really annoying, but…” I really do have to credit how good he is with the media. I knew he’d give me some sort of usable answer, even if he was BS-ing. Thanks, Phil! (See, Shane, now I’ve written something nice about him.)

Oh, I also have a new nickname. Mr. Geoff Shackelford came up with this one. It feels like, he’s, oh I don’t know, maybe hazing me? (Surprise!) Apparently, my question was a “rally killer” — something he warned me to steer clear from before the presser. Whoops!

Sorry, guys, rookie mistake.