Nice Effing Pants will bring you the wackiest, ugliest and coolest pants (or skorts) in golf — from the pros to the mediocre weekend golfer. Please send submissions to steph.wei@gmail.com.

With all the zany outfits Ian Poulter wears, he can usually work it pretty well, merely because of the way he carries himself. For instance, remember at the British Open when he appeared to be draped in his national flag? (And when he was playing terribly, the commentators dared say his clothes were a distraction, which was totally preposterous.)

But any style maven is going to have an off-day — Poults had one of these at the HSBC Champions when he wore purple plaid pants with a dash of red. So, let’s hope they get lost in his recession-proof closet.

[Photo by Andrew Redington/Getty Images AsiaPac]

Last week Golf Digest’s Marty Hackel, otherwise known as “Mr. Style,” was kind enough to chat with me about golf fashion, the PGA and LPGA Tours’ best dressed — and the players that need help the most.

The preppy and traditional look is coming back in a big way generally speaking in fashion. How can you incorporate those looks into your golf wardrobe without looking costumed or like a tool?

I think we sometimes get too fixated on what you’re wearing and need to focus on how you’re wearing it. You can take tan bermuda shorts and a white button-up and wear it with a degree of a dressiness; if you want to be preppy, you probably have a grosgrain ribbon belt or the khakis are leathered out and there’s no “tech” in them. I think tech is great in certain things. For example, I think outerwear tech is terrific, like Gore-Tex. It’s fabulous and when it’s used properly, it makes great rain gear. We’ve gotten way too techy. It’s created a buzz and people saw: “It doesn’t look like I sweat and that’s a good thing, I’m going to buy more. Polyester is lightweight material, I don’t even feel like I have it on.” Tech is great in footwear and hosiery. Tech can be good in wearing apparel when used properly. It’s synthetic product — generally speaking. We make a huge mistake. We get too focused on sportswear. It doesn’t have to be golf-specific. Why can’t you wear a woven golf shirt on the course?

John Paul Newport wrote a column earlier this year about the return of the “Full Cleveland” — white shoes and white belts — and it appeared to be a big trend this year. What do you think about that look?

White belts came back more, particularly in the first part of the year. And this Full Cleveland thing, come on, please, what are you talking about…there are a couple of players on the Tour. We misread this a little bit. I think white belts are great on thin guys that are tall. They’re not great on guys with a 38-inch waist. Don’t wear white unless you have holster attached to that belt and badge attached to your shirt, then wear your white belt. Period.

Phil gets a lot of grief about his wardrobe. And recently he wore white pants the week he won the Tour Championship. What’s your general feel on him these days?

His shirts have gotten a little snug. It’s way better than a few years ago when his shirts were oversized. Clothes don’t make you look thinner — diets do. Americans think oversized shirts make you look thinner, but they don’t. Next few people you hear criticize Phil, ask them to look in the mirror. Because it’s mostly oversized guys. He’s not batting a thousand, but who is on the PGA?

FanHouse named Ryo Ishikawa “Best-Dressed in ‘09.” How would you describe Ryo’s look?

He’s costumed, very programmed. There’s not a lot of creativity there. I would like to see what he wears when he loses his luggage. But I think he looks great on Tour.

And how about Fred Couples? I love his classic style.

He looks silly. He’s done more to confuse people about good fit in the past 20 years. I love Freddie. As a human being, he’s a lovable guy. Every woman thinks he’s handsome. I just think his shirts are too big. He’s always pulling up his sleeves before he hits the ball. I think a lot of women say you should look like Freddie Couples, but it’s not because of the clothes.

Who are the best dressers and why?

I’m a big Watson fan. Elkington has the best taste on Tour. Kuchar looks great all the time. He’s terrific. He puts it together well, he’s in good shape, he wears things that are appropriate, he has a good idea of style and he carries himself well. Almost all the time Tiger looks great in everything but his trousers. He’s my textbook example of someone who carries it well. He’s put good fit more on the map than anyone. Charles Howell looks good and can look even better. Just trim up his shirts a little more, so he’s not wearing quite as much of oversized shirts. It would be fine tuning with a guy like Howell, not an overhaul. It would be dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s. You don’t have to be young to look great. Jason Gore always looks great to me. That’s a big guy who looks great! You don’t have to be 140 pounds to look great. The way he carries himself, he has a good taste, he knows a good pair of trousers when he sees it.

I think Stewart Cink looks great — he wears bright colors, he wears clothes that fit, he has some fun, he certainly dresses within himself. I mean, he looks terrific!

I’ll give you another example of a player who wears nice clothes, but carries them to the greatest amount of confidence and looks terrific in them — Rich Beem in Oakley. He has a lot of fun with it. But you know, I like Alex Cejka because he’s in shape and wears clothes that fit. So does Will MacKenzie. So does Camilo. Has Camilo ever looked bad? I don’t think so.

Most of the Spanish guys look fabulous. Alvaros Quiros! He looks like a million bucks. You wanna know why? He’s got great personality! There’s something terrific about him. Soren Hansen looks great to me all the time, love him. Most of the guys that I think look great are European. Because they understand fit much better.

Who needs the most help?

Justin Rose needs help. Everything is one slice off. He doesn’t wear the right combination. He doesn’t wear the stuff that fits him properly. The clothes are fine, it’s the way you wear them. And I think that’s a huge challenge. Huge challenge. Everyone says Woody Austin is a bad dresser. It’s not that he’s a bad dresser, it’s that he doesn’t wear the right stuff and size for him. He’s a terrific golfer and he’s not in terribly bad shape, but he certainly looks that way, doesn’t he? I’ll give you an example of someone who has huge potential to look great. Bill Haas. He’s dressing like his father! He should be dressing like himself. He wears those old man trousers. Everything is oversized!

Biggest fashion faux pas?

What’s not wearing appropriate for your body type. That’s a mistake most people make.

Marty to me: Who’s on your top 5 list?
Me: On mine…Off the top of my head?
Him: No, I want it off the bottom of your head. Yes, of course off the top of your head.
Me: I know Poulter is a little outlandish but I think he always looks great. I mean, how many people can pull off the British flag get-up he wore at the British Open?
Him: Ian Poulter looks great! Once again, classic example of not what you wear, but how you wear. I’m with you on that.
Me: I like Aaron Baddeley’s style, too.
Him: He does! I don’t know what people say Aaron dresses Badd-e-ley. But I think they just like the play on words.

Who would you like to go on a shopping trip with?

Rory Sabbatini would be on my shopping team — if I had to go shopping with 5 guys on Tour, he would be on that list. Elkington would be and so would Darren Clarke. Those three guys right away because they would be great to go shopping because they know what they’re doing. Sometimes I don’t like everything that Rory Sabbatini wears, but I’ll defend him all day long because he doesn’t dress like an Ottoman, he doesn’t dress like he’s been manufactured to look one way, he dresses to his own drummer.

What do you think about the logos? Do you think they are cheapening up the game?

Here we go again with everyone trying to get me to compare golf to NASCAR Racing. And yeah, I think you can overdo it, but these guys are just trying to make a buck. I mean, I think we’re about maxed out right now. I don’t want to see it getting any bigger and I don’t want to see any more logos. I think it’s getting a little confusing. But they’re independent contractors and they’re trying to make money.

How do you feel about the women’s side of things?

There’s where I have a huge problem with too much logo. I don’t like when the LPGA wears a lot of logos. It’s probably because I’m chauvinistic and I like women to look like women. I don’t think women should dress on the golf course like they’re men. I’d like to see them have a little more fun. I think they should dress like they’re stylish women and there are plenty of great golf lines out there — Polo, PAHR Golf Birdie, Adidas — Suzann Pettersen always looks like a million bucks and she wears Nike.

What about girls like Christina Kim? I think she always looks put together and fashionable.

That’s her personality, she sells whatever she wears. She’s a great example of it’s not what you wear but how you wear it. She has fun with it and she smiles and she has a great time. That’s really important. And you don’t have to be a world-class LPGA player — Charlotte Mayorkas, Anna Rawson — these aren’t household names but these gals look like a million bucks all the time.

Well, Anna Rawson can probably wear anything and look great.

Oh that’s true. Or nothing. Either way.

And how about Natalie Gulbis?

Well she’s very consistent. She dresses very athletically, she’s going to wear super-short skorts, she’s not afraid to wear some color and pretty aware of what she’s wearing all the time. It’s not exactly what I like, but at least she’s marching to her own drummer.

How do you feel about Paula Creamer’s pink fetish?

She doesn’t have to wear all pink, we get it’s her color and she likes it. When she wears all pink, she looks like a drum majorette. All she needs is a baton.

What brand that isn’t designing golf clothes would you like to see doing so?

Easy question. Giorgio Armani. Jil Sander. Wouldn’t that be great? I would like to see Prada in golf. You can wear Prada and play golf. You don’t have to call it “golf.” You just call it “great stuff.”

Would you ever design a line?

No, I have much more fun critiquing everyone else. Way much more fun. And I have a lot of opinions as you’ve probably gathered. But I think that’s what makes it fun. We need to have a little more fun, especially in this day and age when we’re stressed all day long with the economy and everything else going on. And golf should be one of those things.

To sum it up, what’s your best advice for the average golfer to look good.

Buy what’s appropriate for your body. Buy what’s not going to make you feel self-conscious. Buy what puts a smile on your face. And rather than buy three things, buy one thing that’s really good. Pick your spot. Make a commitment, decide what you want and go for it.

What are your favorite blogs?

The Sartorialist, Geoff Shackelford, style.com, Golf Digest and Gawker.

Marty Hackel is the Fashion Editor at Golf Digest. For more, go to GolfDigest.com.

Ian Poulter, an avid tweeter, is sometimes displeased by the not-so-amicable “@replies” from a few of his 696,818 followers — so much that he freely fires back with his own choice words. And it’s hilariously entertaining. Get-a-round-in caught the latest feud:

Last month someone thought he tweeted too much. Poulter took offense and rallied his loyal followers to prank the guy (read from bottom to top):

Advice: Don’t insult Poults on Twitter.

[h/t NiceBallz]

The PGA Championship at Hazeltine starts tomorrow. It’s that time again — yeah, my favorite guessing game. I pick…Adam Scott! I kid, I kid. But he has played decently at past PGA Championships, notwithstanding last year. (His best finish was T3 in ‘06 at Medinah.) He just can’t putt for the life of him! More important, he needs to get this girl out of his head before he can think about winning again. Maybe this new distraction is helping, though.

I’ve only heard a few times Hazeltine is playing really long — 7,674 yards to be precise. So obviously the bombers have an added advantage; same goes for the good ball strikers that hit a high fade. But what it really comes down to — especially in majors — is putting. Even if you’re not hitting the ball that well, it drives confidence and momentum. It’s all about having the right mindset in golf, yeah? Yeah.

Here’s who I like (read: I’m not saying they’ll win necessarily).

Tiger Woods: Obviously. Two wins in a row, four PGA Championship titles, runner-up when it was last played at Hazeltine in ‘02, yada, yada, yada. He has to win or else it’ll only be the fourth time in his career that he hasn’t won a major. God forbid. It’s not like he hasn’t already won 5 tournaments this year.

Padraig Harrington: Your defending champion. After the heartbreaker last week, he’s a sentimental favorite, not to mention he’s just so likable. Even Tiger speaks up and commends him; perhaps more than I’ve heard him praise anyone. Paddy is a good putter, too.

FIGJAM…I mean, (gosh, why do I keep doing that?) Phil Mickelson: Break out the tissues if he wins. He’s such the people’s favorite.

Sergio Garcia: Like woah! I’ve never been a fan. I don’t think I ever got over his waggle-stuttering at Bethpage in ‘02. Ugh, then there’s the whining and bashing Augusta. But I’ve heard he’s actually a really good guy; in fact, one of the nicest to play with. If he’s learned how to putt since Sunday, then he’ll win or finish second behind Tiger. ZING!

Martin Kaymer: My dark horse pick. He won back-to-back weeks last month…on the European Tour. Does that count? Maybe for something. But it seems like most of the guys that have had loads of success there can’t seem to win on the PGA Tour (e.g., Miguel Angel Jimenez). Well, the PGA Championship has a history of producing unlikely winners. Rich Beem, anyone?

I like Ian Poulter, too. He was my favorite for the British Open, but he practically finished DFL. As an aside, his tweets are a-mazing. Check out this one.

My blogger’s pick is over at Dogs That Chase Cars. Go HERE (that is, when Shane posts it).

Sigh. My picks for the British Open are struggling this week and won’t be seeing weekend play. Ian Poulter is in 152nd place. That’s right, 152nd! He hadn’t made a birdie all week until his 35th hole. Yikes. Otherwise, he would have been one stroke away from DFL. Instead he’s two strokes away! Oh Poults, I feel for you.

During the first round coverage, one of the announcers said that perhaps Poults was too worried about his appearance. He suggested this as the reason for the bad showing. To me, that argument is completely ridiculous and baseless regardless of your opinion on Pouter’s outlandish clothing choices. (Personally I like them.)

Geoff Ogilvy, who is fourth in the FedEx Cup standings, almost matched Poulter’s stellar performance. Ogilvy started the year hot, winning the Mercedes Benz Championship and the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship. This week he fired 13-over-par — only besting Poults by one shot.

Poulter and Ogilvy are two of the top-ranked golfers in the world. I find their poor showings rather, well, shocking and embarrassing (obviously), but also inexcusable. Everyone is entitled to a bad week, but seriously?! Golfers of their caliber just shouldn’t be two strokes from last place. That’s right, DFL. This also goes to show how good Tiger is. He is playing terribly — for him — but shot one-over-par. He’s even in the second round through four holes. It looks like the putts aren’t dropping for him so far.

With half the field still on the golf course, your leader in the clubhouse after 36 holes is Steve Marino at 5-under-par. He earned a spot in the tournament at the last minute when Shingo Katayama withdrew. As noted by the announcers, this is Marino’s first time playing links golf - sometimes that’s almost better - nothing to lose and no expectations. Post-round he said it was the hardest course he’s ever played. It sure doesn’t seem that way. So far, he’s dodged the wrath of Turnberry. I bet Poulter and Ogilvy wish they could say the same. Well played, Steve.

Stay tuned for more this afternoon.

[Update: Tiger Woods is not as invincible as I thought. He’s human! He’s seven-over-par and likely going to miss the cut. Then again, he could make birdie on #16 and eagle on #17. It’s possible. We clearly never know with Tiger!]

[Photo by Harry How/Getty Images Europe]

Over the past few weeks, Ian Poulter has been an absolute Twitter addict. I’d say it started during the NBA Finals when he tweeted a picture of Hulk’s hairpiece at Game 4 of the Magic vs. Lakers series.

The U.S. Open rolled around and you could say he stepped it up. During his practice rounds, he showed how tough Bethpage Black was set up here and here. He told us how the 18th hole was playing. He gave us a glimpse of his yardage and green books and his biggest fan.

He kept us updated during Thursday’s wash-out. How did they putt on those greens? Not very well. And he informed us about what the U.S.G.A. was telling the players while play was delayed. He sounded a tad frustrated, but he was a riot - not to mention honest. It was true - personally, I couldn’t see how the players would get back on the course without a canoe and paddle either. (I understand that it was a tough call and I won’t get into that right now, but ultimately the right decision was made.) And in fact, it turned out that the grounds crew at Bethpage were magicians.

He showed us his popcorn at the movies and provided a rave review of Hangover - plus photos. The confusion and error over tee times. And his thoughts on the never-ending and strangest U.S. Open. I have a feeling that he was tired (understandably so).

Poults even had a little contest to give away two tickets for Sunday! He asked fans to send him a tweet and he’d pick the best one. I’m sure he received hundreds, if not thousands. And he even met the lucky winner. How many players would take the time to go out of their way to make such a kind gesture? At a major championship, no less! I’d say very few.

He had countless amazing updates that it’s difficult to say which was the most priceless. But if I had to pick, I’d say this one from Sunday takes the cake. I’m going to spell it out because it’s downright hilarious.

Perfect drive on 10th 235 yards to go into the wind. And that’s what you get… Perfect 3 wood straight right into bunker. It’s B#LL SH#T

That was the caption attached to the picture he took of his muddy ball during a tournament round! (To clarify, he waited to tweet it between rounds.) Say what? Did that actually happen or was he messing with us? Yes, it did. Is that even allowed? I mean, who cares -the guy has guts. I was laughing out loud (perhaps even ROTFL).

Some probably think he took it a little too far this week. Maybe he did, but I enjoyed his coverage of the tournament. I was already a fan, but now I’m a huge one. I’m sure the same goes for many others. We caught a glimpse of his vibrant personality (if you couldn’t already see from his choice of clothes). Most of all, he gave us a real look inside the ropes.

It’s like we were there! Congrats on the low round of the day with a 67, Poults! And keep it up - the play and the tweeting.

Here’s the first hole at Bethpage Black in “Round” One of the U.S. Open aka “Woodstock for golfers” or “The Great Flood.”

The picture says it all. I don’t have to tell you that it was painful and conditions were impossible. You’ve either heard it or caught the highlights on Sportscenter already. Better yet, you’re following Ian Poulter on Twitter and got the play-by-play from him. If you’re not, I recommend that you start now. The guy gets funnier by the minute and tells it likes it is.

At noon, I didn’t think there was any chance that the course could be playable. The greens were completely under water. There were streams running through the fairways, the walkways - you name it. By the end of the day, a better word for “puddles” would have been “marshes.” Speaking of which, hitting it in the fairway for the players is now more crucial than ever. Um, can anyone say, “ground under water?” I’ll be really, really impressed by guys that make par after an errant tee shot a la Tiger on the first hole of the tournament.

I am stupid, make poor decisions and stayed at the course until play was officially called around 2PM. Since I was already there, I tried to make light of the situation, which was obviously making fun of it (and myself).  I came prepared wearing golf shoes, rain gear and armed with an oversized umbrella! My friend Ray and I walked around for probably three hours (I know, we’re such troopers), entertaining ourselves with how absurd the whole thing was. I mean, we were willingly at a GOLF COURSE in the torrential downpour - one that was outside, no less. Enough said.

Nature: 1, Bethpage: 0.

Well, there’s still Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…

Geoff Ogilvy: He’s my top pick. Why? You’ll have to go to the “Official” U.S. Open Bloggers Picks over at Dogs That Chase Cards. Do it. Now!

Tiger Woods: Do I even need to say more? It’s pretty much him against the rest of the field, right? I’d say the odds are good. He won this tournament here in 2002. He’s hitting the ball well and I don’t have to tell you that he hits it long. I’ve also heard he’s confident.

Ian Poulter: He’s funny, clever and simply a cool guy. Follow him on Twitter and you’ll understand. Every time I saw him this week, he was laughing and having a good time Most importantly, he doesn’t seem the least intimidated by Bethpage and the weather condtions. He’s been playing well this season - he was runner-up at THE PLAYERS - and he has finished in the top ten four times in ‘09.

Sean O’Hair: He hits a lot of greens, in fact, the second most on Tour. He’ll be able to stick it tight and stay out of trouble. That’s all you need to know. Oh yeah, he won the Quail Hollow Championship last month and you could say he’s having a breakout season.

Phil Mickelson: It goes without saying that we’re all pulling for him (in case you’ve been living under a rock, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last month). He was the runner-up here in 2002 and almost staged a tremendous comeback against Tiger. He’s known to be well-liked by New Yorkers. You can bet that the crowds will be rooting for him louder than ever this week. But I’m not sure if he can keep it together for 72 holes under the circumstances. If he is even in contention on Sunday, I have a feeling there will be a lot of teary-eyed fans (myself included).

In case you haven’t heard, the U.S. Open is at Bethpage Black in Farmingdale, New York this week. On Monday, I ventured from the City to Long Island via train to take a gander at the course and the field. (No, I didn’t see Tiger.)

I spent a good chunk of the day watching the players practice at the driving range and around the chipping and putting greens. That’s actually my favorite part - I love seeing them work the ball and gawking at their solid swings.

Before the thunderstorm came through, I followed a few groups play, including Henrik Stenson, Adam Scott (who is so hot), Rory Mcilroy and Ian Poulter, among others.

I caught up with the two players that I know - Nick Taylor, a rising senior at the University of Washington (and future PGA superstar, mark my words), and Ryan Moore. I hadn’t seen Ryan in probably eight years. We grew up playing junior golf in Washington. He’s kind of a big deal now. Nice to know he remembers the little people!

It was only Monday and the atmosphere was already incredibly enthusiastic and energetic. But that should come with no surprise as all major sporting events in New York have a special vibe from start to finish. Needless to say, it’s going to be a week to remember.

GET EXCITED. No, seriously.

Let’s all agree it’s been a slow week. I’m not sure what to blame credit it to - Perhaps the start of summer, the four-day week, the NYC tap water, or simply the lack of compelling stories. Well, here’s to a new week and feeling inspired once again. Rather than my usual “Picks,” I’m going to throw out 5 potential plot lines for the weekend.

• Colonial CC will whimper as the players continue to stomp all over the “soft” greens and break records left and right.
• The Pink-Out on Saturday will be a success. Will any of the players NOT sport pink? I guarantee that those who don’t wear at least a pink ribbon on their caps will be slammed by the media. Wouldn’t you feel like the biggest jerk if you didn’t? Four words: peer pressure & good cause. I’m putting a watch out on Ian Poulter for best dressed and Rory Sabbatini for worst dressed.
• Ian Baker-Finch will remind everyone that he’s “a CBS commentator” five more times. Tip of the hat to Finchy for shooting a 4-under-par 68 on Thursday and for simply playing (the last time he played on Tour was in 2001). Too bad he fired a 78 (which isn’t exactly shabby considering he hadn’t competed in eight years) the next round to MC. Apparently he couldn’t keep out the “negative thoughts.” But I have a feeling that Finchy was thinking, “Thank God, I broke 90! Two days in a row, no less! Beers on me.”
• Everyone will be talking, writing and tweeting about what John Daly wears this weekend. I’m just going to throw this out there and say it’s going to be LOUD and very pink.
• Sean O’Hair will shoot a 59 if he can manage to get his putter rolling. He’s only missed ONE green in regulation so far this week, but he’s taken 31 putts each day. If he keeps up these stats, let’s just say I’ll be surprised if his putter is intact at the end of Sunday’s round.

No bogeys this weekend. Have a good one!