Tiger Hot Dog Toss Incident Was Premeditated
By Stephanie Wei under Tiger Woods

(Tri-pic via Deadspin)

It may come as no surprise that the man who launched a wiener toward Tiger uses douchey words, like, “epic” — that was so 2007 — and describes the intent of his totally well-planned attack as “courageous.” Thanks to Julie Johnson of the Santa Rosa Press Democrat, we now know the identity of this perpetrator: 31-year-old Brandon Kelly, who gave this explanation for the bizarre hot dog toss.

The idea, he said, was formed after he watched a movie about a stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway driver.

“I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie ‘Drive,'” Kelly said. “As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.’”

Kelly declined to elaborate on his motivation and said he had initially hoped to remain anonymous.

But the incident triggered widespread news coverage, a YouTube video and much speculation on websites.

Right. Like this one…so he’ll be able to laugh and show his grandchildren what a hero poppa was!

The story gets better. KELLY POSTED A PHOTO OF A HOT DOG IN HIS HAND AS HE WAS DRIVING TO THE TOURNAMENT. So it was a premeditated, failed assault with a hot dog as a weapon.

(The photo) was taken at about 7:15 a.m. Sunday as he drove from his home in Sonoma County to the golf tournament at CordeValle Golf Club south of San Jose.

While at the Frys.com Open, he posted to Facebook: “Just got a bloody Mary. About to watch Tiger Woods play 18 holes.”

Wish he’d given us more play-by-play! Slacker.

According to the sheriff’s office, Kelly would probably get a fine and at most community service. Just as I thought, a slap on the wrist. I mean, I don’t think he should get hard time for a stupid prank. Thing is, he’ll suffer more with threats and harassment by other fine citizens since his name has now been released and published on hundreds of blogs — which, trust me, is arguably a harsher punishment than getting thrown in jail (because the internet is forever).

But I’d like to thank Kelly for the entertainment. I enjoyed the clip of the botched attempted assault (which can still be viewed on Deadspin and TMZ). I can’t decide which my favorite part was — Kelly surrendering or Tiger’s caddie Joe LaCava dropping the flagstick and running toward his boss.

Oh, back to the part where Kelly said he was inspired by the movie Drive, where the “stunt driver moonlights as a getaway driver.” First of all, Kelly clearly didn’t think he was going to escape since he immediately put his hands up and dropped to the floor. And I just watched the trailer for Drive and I can’t connect where running onto the green and trying to assault Tiger with a hot dog relates to Ryan Gosling pulling off a heist and stealing a duffel bag of money and then protecting a pretty lady while they run from scary men with guns and knives.

Here’s the movie trailer:

I mean, dude, Kelly, where was your damsel in distress, not to mention your getaway plan? Instead, you fell flat on your face.