Dec
20
2010
The Onion: Woods Puts 1-Iron Back Into Play (NSFW)
By Stephanie Wei under Tiger Woods

Tiger: "When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control"

The brilliant folks over at The Onion have compiled stories for its “2010 Sports Year in Review,” and naturally, it deemed Tiger Woods announcing his return to sex as one of the top stories. Here’s an excerpt after the jump — but be warned, the language is a tad crude (NSFW):

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is “far from satisfied” by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

“I’ll probably be a little rusty,” Woods said. “But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I’m confident that I’ll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have.”

“There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I’ll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it,” Woods continued. “Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge.”

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

“I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly,” Woods said. “It’s really all mental at that point.”

Reaction to Woods’ announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O’Mera, said that Woods’ return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

In case you’re totally dense, it’s a spoof on Tiger’s famed apology soliloquy that was aired on television.