Pavin Calls for Team to Get Totally Crunked
By Stephanie Wei under Ryder Cup

Corey Pavin is a very serious human being

I got a good laugh from the Onion’s item, Corey Pavin Announces Plans to Get Loaded Before Ryder Cup.

NEW YORK—Declaring that the match-play competition between European and American players was “going to be a total frickin’ blast,” U.S. captain Corey Pavin announced plans Wednesday to get completely hammered before this year’s Ryder Cup. “We might not win, but we’re gonna have a hell of a good time this year,” said Pavin, adding that he and his team intend to get fully loaded at the hotel before the alternate-shot matches, and intend to “drink and just keep on drinking” throughout the entire opening four-ball event. “I already got a crapload of booze like vodka and whiskey and some of that Apple Pucker schnapps crap for Zach Johnson so he doesn’t puss out. And, man, [Jim] Furyk’s an animal when he’s hammered.” Pavin maintained that the U.S. squad’s main goal was to get Phil Mickelson to puke.

In other words, in light of Anthony Kim’s absence, the rest of Team USA is going to pull an AK. Well, maybe not Bubba Watson, who might get offended by these shenanigans. He’s never had a sip of alcohol in his life, and no, I’m not being facetious. Someone’s gotta be the designated driver! Meanwhile, Lisa Pavin and the WAGs, who have been taking pole-dancing classes, will provide the entertainment.