The Onion Is Awesome
By Stephanie Wei under General

In Saturday’s edition of The Onion

In response to accusations of cheating that he called hurtful, insensitive, and simply not true, Phil Mickelson lashed out at Scott McCarron Thursday, demanding that his fellow PGA Tour member publicly apologize for humiliating Mickelson’s 20-year-old pitching wedge. “You can say what you will about me, but you do not attack Ping-Eye 2,” said Mickelson, addressing McCarron’s claim that a loophole in the PGA Tour rules had been unfairly exploited to allow the club to take part in sanctioned competitions. “Scott, that pitching wedge has done nothing to you, yet you dare criticize the square grooves on its face? How could you? You either apologize to my wedge or I swear to God I will say things that will bring your stupid-looking putter to its knees.” According to sources close to Mickelson, the two-time Masters winner has urged his pitching wedge to explore taking legal action against McCarron for slander.

But I thought the culprit was the lob wedge? Eh, minor details. (Unless you want to insert a bad joke about the pitching wedge copping blame to protect the lob wedge or something like that.)

Well, sources have told me Phil has a nasty habit of filing preposterous lawsuits.

[h/t Shack]