Dec
3
2009
Play Another Slow Jam, This Time Make It Nice & Sweet, Tiger
By Stephanie Wei under General

And here’s the Slow Jam remix to the most-heard-and-talked-about voicemail — the one that a paranoid and frantic Tiger Woods left ex-mistress Jaimee Grubbs.

Tiger got it bad, as Usher would say (or croon).

This doesn’t rate even close to being as entertaining as the Chinese TV news reenactment of Tiger’s accident, but, nevertheless, it’s still funny.

By now, you’ve all probably seen the Chinese video, but for good measure, I’m posting it — it’s absolutely amazing. I put my Chinese skills to use and translated the commentary, too (see below).

Tiger Woods Gets in a Car Accident and Wife Throws a Jealous Rant.

Top Golfer Tiger Woods, on Friday morning around 2:00 US time, hit this tree. The scene was near his fancy Florida estate in California (sic). 911 was called and informed of the accident.

At the scene of the accident, Tiger was injured on the ground and his wife, Elin, was next to him taking care of him.

Elin claimed Woods was driving and hit the fire hydrant and then the tree. She heard the noise and ran outside. She discovered her husband was wounded. She couldn’t open the door. She took a golf club to break the windows and rescue her husband.

Florida Highway Patrol Trooper: “He was in and out of consciousness with lacerations to his upper and lower lip and a little bit of blood in his mouth.”
Reporter: “What did he say?”
Trooper: “Nothing, he was mumbling.”

Woods’ wife’s explanation has become more and more unclear, especially because Woods’ airbag did not inflate, but his whole face was scarred.

Recently, Woods and New York Party Queen Uchitel have been rumored to be involved.

That day Woods and his wife fought over the matter. She hit him in the face. He got in his car to leave the house. His wife chased after him and also used a golf club to hit the car. Woods turned his head back to see what the commotion was and, at that moment, had the accident.

According to reports, Woods is safe, and the hospital reported he had been released.

Woods has a very high profile, a billion dollars, and is the richest athlete in the world.

To understand the true events of that night, we may have to wait until the Third when Woods emerges for his next tournament, for perhaps a clearer explanation.

I know, I know — disappointingly, the Chinese narration is pretty close to what we heard on every American news station. But his tone is downright hilarious. Just trust me on this one.

Special thanks to Andrew S., my Caucasian buddy whose Chinese is better than mine, for assisting with the translation. And thanks to buddy D for passing along the video on Tuesday morning.