Dear Stewart Cink,
Way to go. You stole our happy ending; the one where Tom Watson was supposed to win and make history. What the heck were you thinking? Why, oh why, did you have to make that putt on 18. You picked the wrong time to be clutch for the first time, like, ever. You should have missed it on purpose. Duh.
Now you’re the most hated golfer in the world. How does that feel? Yeah, yeah, probably pretty good still. Argh. Wipe that smug look from your face. You’re even tweeting pics of yourself kissing the Claret Jug? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? I mean, it’s not like we haven’t seen enough of those splattered across the internet already. Double argh. You just have to rub it in as much as possible, huh? You can forget this “nice guy” act, your true colors are shining through. Quite clearly as a matter of fact!
Along with winning the British Open, you also win the “Jackass of the Year Award.” Congrats! How does that feel??
If I were you, I’d watch my back. I say that with the utmost sincerity. Good ol’ Tom is too nice, but there are a lot of crazy people out there. On his behalf, someone just might take you out a la Nancy Kerrigan. I’m upset, maybe even angry, but I ain’t into violence. Anyway, enjoy your moment. I reckon it feels pretty good – especially after you yipped that tap-in at Southern Hills in 2001.
Hope you sleep well tonight knowing you knocked down a senior citizen on the way to your first major.
PS: In case it isn’t clear, I’m kidding. I’m very happy for you, Stewie – it goes without saying you’re a deserving and gracious champion. BUT as Deadspin reported, people updated your Wikipedia page with phrases like, “He won the British Open beating up an old man along the way” and “Cink is nervous, farting often. Asshole spoiled the British Open.” Someone also changed your name to Stewart “Jackass” Cink.